Bird Brained

A warning from 'Other Nature'

I saw a funny thing the other day at a concert in the park near UCSB. A bunch of hippies were twirling around to the major chords, funky beats, and rising sax rifts that came from a band called 'Other Nature'. Everyone was having a right good time, when this bird casually let go of his last meal. The white projectile desended in a deceptively gentle manner onto the head of a poor little girl doing the hippie hop with her father, thwap!

The girl started crying and was rushed away to the sympathetic oohhs and aahhs of a crowd that thought this goldi-locked girl was just adorable. And the band played on.

It wasn't but a minute or so later that this same bird came wafting overhead again. Now, I'll be damned if he didn't have the glint of intentionality in his eyes, because he swooped low and dropped another white glob of fecal matter on a skinny dread-locked dude who wouldn't have noticed at all if his friend didn't rush over to start laughing at him. The dreadlocked dude kept dancing. And the band played on.

This double dropping might seem, to the skeptical mind, a sort of strange coincidence of the sort that are rather odd but bound to happen by and by. I, myself, being of a rather technical bent with a spirit for inquiry might be inclined to agree with the skeptics, except that, having seen the subsequent events I now know that these early drops were the first volleys in an all out bird offensive far more sophmoric than hitchcock could ever dream.

The same aimless sparrow as before returned (he was recognizable by that eye-glint I referred to) and he had with him a couple of buddies. They let out a back and forth of low whistles and caws that sounded for the world like some sort of bird laughter. From rather high in the sky they swooped down suddenly and diverged vectors to let loose their bowels on three disparate targets. One of these target was the lead singer who found himself mouthful of uric-acid compote and was unable to sing for three bars. Still the band played on.

My friends and I, amused by the base comedy of the birds, were enjoying a hearty chuckle at the expense of those hippy dancers while safely laying on the nearby hill. Safely, for a moment, but in the next we saw a shadow sweeping across the horizon and looked on with dismay and disbelief as the sky's were filled with these shitting sparrows.

They strafed over the park like NAZI bomber jets turning the soft green hues of nature to an acid white that burned when it hit your eyes. And it hit everyone's eyes. The band had stopped and people were running about in all directions crying for help. But there was no shelter from the ruthless attack of the birds and the world was cloaked in the a thick white layer of misery.

I woke up a few hours later, shivering in naked terror as I saw the ground covered in the limp and grotesque contortions of a thousand hippies suffocated under a slimy layer of white that looked like some unnatural Christmas holocaust. The birds were gone and I was safe now. But how I managed to survive, I have no idea. I suppose it was the will of God or perhaps the birds to spare me so that I could tell the story and warn the world of the vengeful heart of the sparrow.

And so I stand before you, crippled by the terrors of a bird shit PTSD. I warn you of the menace that lurks around us. I cannot be sure why they came to us, the sparrows. But they did not seem impressed with the music, or with the dancing, or with the hippy vibe floating through the air. And so the next time you decide to groove on nature and attune your self to the spirit of Gaya, and the prince of peace, ask yourself what nature really wants from you. Maybe she's actually a fan of death-metal and is as annoyed by stinky hippy love-fests as the rest of us.

Food for thought...

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